I freely admit that sometimes I lose it as a parent.
Maybe I am having a bad day, or someone says something with just a little too much attitude. In those instances, I’ve been known to speak sharply to my children in the heat of the moment. I’ve never disciplined them physically, but sometimes the words can hurt just as much and be remembered long after the infraction is over.
What do I do? I apologize to them. The three most important words in parenting aren’t “I love you.” They are “I am sorry.”
I don’t apologize for things like making them go to bed on time or eating a healthy dinner when they’d rather have ice cream. Those are just things we do as parents that are never going to be appreciated. I apologize for things I do that are unfair, not nice or just plain uncalled for. Those instances are not so traumatizing that they require therapy or a talk show appearance, but neither are they shining moments in parenthood.
Over the years I’ve carped at a kid for losing a scarf we got for free, forgetting a schoolbook that could easily have been brought home the next day, and eating a cheese stick in the living room. Just really stupid, minor, petty stuff that wasn’t a big deal at the time, would never be a big deal, but was made one by yours truly.
In those cases, I apologize. I ask for forgiveness. My kids, bless them, always offer it. It’s the parental version of time out, and it stinks. But I feel it’s necessary to apologize to my children.
Some parents might feel they send mixed messages by apologizing, that they somehow loosen their stranglehold on power by admitting they did something wrong. My point is that there should be no such parental powerhouse. If you want your children to respect others, you have to respect them. That means admitting when you’re wrong. None of the nonsensical “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.” That’s not a real apology. Be honest and say “I’m sorry I spoke rudely to you about losing the scarf. It wasn’t necessary, and I’m sorry.”
Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages,” says apology has a language all its own. First, you have to express regret over your words or actions. You then have to accept responsibility for your actions. You have to make it up to them somehow. You have to actually be genuinely sorry. Lastly, but probably most importantly, you have to ask forgiveness.
What a powerful message we send to our children when we apologize to them. Not only do they see we are not perfect, they learn the art of forgiveness. They understand how completely and fully they are forgiven by us when they do something wrong, and they won’t be afraid to come to us when they’ve done something wrong. They understand why it is important to apologize, but also why it is important to forgive.
So while I strive to not have anything to apologize for, I know that is unrealistic. I know there will be days I will lose my temper, and carp. But I will remember the three most important words in parenting.
I am sorry.
